the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
