guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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