I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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