Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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