If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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