farters have to be the big spoon...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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