Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
