I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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