Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
