I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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