So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
