I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
