My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Randomize
