kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
