I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
