i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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