This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
