You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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