Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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