Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How does one acquire holy water?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
