she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
