dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
