I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
