i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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