Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
