oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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