So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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