The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
