just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
