Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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