Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
