im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
