WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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