if you like me you must not know who I am
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
