You just made me feel so damn special
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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