I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
