This is not my ceiling
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
