smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
A+ Viking dick
I deserve this hangover.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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