I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
