I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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