He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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