This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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