I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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