i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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