Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I have aggressive nipples.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
