amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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