Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
