He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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