party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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