You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i think i have herpe
just one?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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