cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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