The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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