i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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