waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
