i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His hands were made for my vagina.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just invented taco cereal.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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