i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
