I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
