I wish I only lived at night.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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