loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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