My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
