please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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