I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
