i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
