found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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