a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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