you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize